five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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