I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
