My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
