Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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