I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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