matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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