the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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