i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
