So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
