I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
