as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
