If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
