i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I stole a fireplace last night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
