I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
