bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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