dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
