is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
