YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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