I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
