I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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