Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Drunk is a universal language darling
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
