Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
