i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
