at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
