The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
