I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i was born a porn star she said
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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