I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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