I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
