Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
