The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
this hospital has no fireball
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
