just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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