somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
