So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sober January is a disaster.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
