omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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