Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
