Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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