Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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