I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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