Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
