So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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