You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
