Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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