I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
