He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
