woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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