Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
