then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
