Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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