the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
