it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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