i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
