So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
