It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
