i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
