I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
